A Great Tennessee Night

Smart Raccoon

Do You Love Your Husband?

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All of them raised their hands. Then, they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some of the women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." The women were then told to exchange phones with another person and to read aloud the text received in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the h#$% is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you, too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand. What do you mean?
6. What the h#$% did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need.
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

The Deaf Mafia Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf, which was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court. 

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

 

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about. 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head, and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

 

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." 

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." 

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" 

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Capische?

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Why did the chicken cross the road? **

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

A hen chicken (Gallus gallus) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!  It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions.  I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly    harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet    Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

** submitted

Related articles

• Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? The Must-Read Embassy Edition (diplopundit.net)
• After the Chicken Crossed the Road, He Met Corpus Christi Police (ccpdblotter.com)
• Why did the chicken cross the road? (djunction.wordpress.com)
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• A non-partisan Why did the chicken cross the road? (conservativeread.com)

The Coyote Story **

CALIFORNIA:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.  A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

Coyote closeup (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects his dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding the nature of coyotes. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

TEXAS:

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog. The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, says a lot about why California is broke and Texas is not.

** - submitted

Related articles

• How Coyote Imitated Snake (therioshamanism.com)
• One Major City's Unique Answer To Rat Infestation (blogpestcontrol.com)
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Lemons **

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

When applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove, she seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and voted for Obama." ** - received via e-mail from a friend.

Palin and Allah

Sarah Palin recently gave her 2 cents worth on the civil war going on in Syria. See what she had to say in the video embedded below or by clicking here.



I'm sure that many on the left, and even some on the right, will scoff at and make fun of what Palin said here. However, when you consider that most in the Middle East have a negative view of the U.S. calling us "The Great Satan", an "occupation force", and generally wanting us gone, I think Palin may be onto something.

I kinda like her idea, so yeah - let's let "Allah sort it out." It's the best idea I've heard in a long time in regards to Middle East policy.

Source - www.TheBlaze.com article titled "Sarah Palin On Syria - 'Let Allah Sort It Out' "

Related articles

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• Palin slams military intervention in Syria: 'Let Allah sort it out' (itmakessenseblog.com)

Firearms Friday Humor

Please Move the Deer Crossing

I received the video embedded below from a friend via e-mail last week. I shared it on Facebook but felt like it was soooo entertaining, that I needed to "share the wealth" and post it here on The Second Chance Sheepdog blog, too. I think you'll find it good for at least a few laughs. It can be watched by clicking here, too.


I think I "have the solution" that will help this lady. Let's move the deer crossing signs to where the signs will direct the deer right past the front of my deer blind. I can then dispatch her problem rather quickly at no further expense to her or the "gubmint." Sound like a plan ? It's the least I could do, because as always, The Sheepdog's here to help.

Related articles

• Radio caller: Move the signs so deer cross elsewhere! (timesunion.com)
• Woman Misunderstands Deer Crossing Signs, Calls Radio Station, Wants Them Moved (fox4kc.com)
• MUST SEE: Please Move The Deer Crossing (dailybail.com)
• "Donna the Radio Caller" realizes Deer's can't read (Audio) (americanlivewire.com)
• After hitting deer, woman wants "deer crossings" moved (kfor.com)
• Woman: Deer Crossing Signs 'Irresponsible,' Deer Should Be Directed To Cross Elsewhere (wreg.com)

Death to the Husband **

 

** received via e-mail from a friend.

The Wisdom of Oz

Dirt

Dirt pile with high clay content (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

"Oh, is that so ? Tell me...", replies God.

"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no...." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

Worst Day of My Life

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

               

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it ?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

               

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a grown man crying."

               

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."

               

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole dang thing ! But heck, enough about me, how are you doing ?"